15 Years Ago Today.

To type that number breaks my heart as if it were only yesterday. The truth is time doesn't always heal a broken heart, it only helps us learn to live with it, to even overlook the broken areas.

15 years ago in the early morning hours before the sun even thought about rising, I got the call. The call no one wants to get, only I knew it was a matter of time before I would receive this particular phone call. My mother had passed away from complications of cancer only moments before. My best friend, who is like a sister to me, was with her along with the hospice nurse.

Why wasn't I there? I had been home for the previous two months, by her side; but my leave of absence from work was ending and in all my stress and confusion, I couldn't just quit. I had bills to pay, medical insurance, financial responsibilities, so I flew back to the West Coast on December 22 to return to work. Most likey against my better judgment. Dear friends took me in and comforted me becuase I had given up my apartment and put everything in storage - another reason I should have just stayed.

I remember the last time I kissed my mother, the last look back at her as I was leaving the house.  I remember it like - yesterday. I knew it would be the last time I saw her alive. In that moment I wanted to stop time. Stop it, stop everything. Stop her dying. Stop her pain. Stop from leaving that room.

After returning to work for less than two short weeks, on Friday, December 31 (New Year' Eve) my company laid me off. They made me return to work on December 22, knowing my mom's condition, and laid me off on New Year's Eve. I planned to make arrangements to return to South Dakota for following week.

But I was too late.  At 2:00 am on Monday morning I got that call. 

My whole world changed in an instant.

I still miss my mom - for that matter, I still miss my dad. Especially when I look at my own son. My parents would have loved him so much, been so proud of him; and they would have dug the Guy I Dig.
But enough of that.

15 years ago today my life changed. I wrote about it shortly afterward - about that turbulent seasons leading up to and after my mom's death.

In memory ~


CHANGES

           Summer floods

My vision with it’s blistering heat

      radiating off the road of my memories.

Vacation takes us driving

Through desserts, mountains,

Rainstorms and Milky Way nights.

                          Laughing ~

Seeing her – youthful, radiant, hopeful.

Strong again, my beautiful mother.

Beautiful in her love, her devotion

Always giving, always listening.

            October changes

My heart with its cool breeze
      Blowing away dust from my past

I feel it coming

The metamorphosis of time

Long phone conversations

Expedient travel plans

                         Apprehensive ~

Listening to her staunch optimism,

I can hear the tears fall

From her eyes and shatter into crystal

Droplets onto the cold tile floor

Of a hospital room.

             Winter freezes

My mind with it’s frostbitten fingers

      Stopping my future, altering its course

Illness takes me home – across miles

Away from home. Days spent with

Soap operas, candy bars, holding hands

Drinking up time

                           Praying ~

Watching her deteriorate

She’s different now – her youth gone

Robbed by the cancer raging through

Her body like a defiled passion.

A cycle of death.

             April awakes

My soul with it’s renewing rain

      Showering down on dormant

Seeds of promise. Rebuilding my future

Relearning to hope

I struggle with reverseless event

Stretching my arms upward – waiting!

                          Living ~

Missing her, an empty room inside my heart

My beautiful mother – so wise

Strong, protective, unconditional love.

           Now she lay down to sleep

           I pray the Lord, her soul to keep.